So Here's The Story

Hey guys. So, funny story.  You know how I tried to go and do a YWAM Discipleship training school last year? Well, some crazy stuff happened and it ended up that I couldn’t go. But, it has turned out to be one heck of a blessing. Why is that? Well here is the story! (Stick with me here, I think it’ll be good =D)

God slapped me upside the head with his intense dislike of my sin and disobedience. I mean seriously, He gave me a few good whacks! One of these areas of disobedience was my YWAM calling. True fact, God has put this program on my heart for about 4 years now, give or take, but I let the awesomeness of that program morph into selfish ambition. Instead of thirsting to know more of God’s character and becoming closer to my Father, I saw the whole trip as an opportunity for self-fulfillment and discovery. I could be around fun young people, see new things, and have some God on the side. Oops, big mistake. God might as well have smited me where I stood, and it would’ve been easier than what was to come. God took away my fun time, and left me in Colorado where I felt like I was becoming stagnant and passionless. But I was wrong again; little did I know, the time following would be more devoid of those characteristics than my life has ever been! God has been preparing my heart big time for what is to come during the months of October through March.

The DTS I am doing is called a Compassion DTS. We will be learning and serving people in truly hard circumstances like the orphaned, those in human trafficking, and those in poverty. Heavy issues. And before I enter in to that, He has commanded me to acknowledge my sin and offer it up to Him to transform. Ugh so hard, especially because I feel like it’s been one tidal wave after another! But I understand why so much growth must be done now, before I go out. I need to learn how to understand my emotions in a healthy way. I am absolutely a typical girl when it comes to emotions! They are crazy! But I also know it is a part of what God has gifted me with. I just feel for people, and want to love them and show them that it’s just a taste of how much God loves them. So a lot of the time, that can become a negative thing instead of something that glorifies God. I let negative emotions keep me down, and I have a very hard time processing them in a healthy way…I begin to feel like I’m in quicksand! Or maybe a “glass box of emotion…” right?! So I know all this personal struggle is so I can better prepare myself to totally pour into other people.

                I know this specific program is where God wanted me all along because he blessed me with some pretty clear vision. Huge blessing right!  The vision he has showed me, and this is how I understand it at least, is doing this DTS to prepare my heart for the rest of my life. To ignite that fire within me, to learn how to live abandoned for God, and understand more of what he is commanding me to do. The rest of my life will surround such compassion issues. I see that happening by working through a non-profit organization, making way and preparing missionaries doing the behind the scenes, as well as doing mission in some context myself. That is why I know this program is just the beginning of the road for me. I am not going to do this 6 month program just to live crazy for God, but to begin to understand what the world hurts for and hone in on what I am truly passionate about! I want to see where God wants me to help and work towards that.

                So yup, I’m plugging away on the issues God has confronted me with, and sometimes I find joy in that because I am crazy STOKED to live out what God has called me to. But it’s hard. Sin isn’t easier for me, nor am I trying to become sinless because that won’t happen. Instead I want to learn how to “struggle well,” (thanks Matt Morgan for that quote), and grow to have a softened heart to the people around me. So thanks a bunch for sticking through this with me, for not being angry at me for not updating even though I should have, and for taking the time to read my post. Updates to come. I’ll keep you posted, I promise =)