Mission Trip Selfishness

So I begin writing at 1:19 AM, and I just might hate myself in the morning for that decision. But I really feel like I want to share this little story of how I am completely selfish about my mission trip right now. So buckle up because there might just be a bit too much honesty in this post for you, and I hope you have grace for me in that.

There is a FB page for all the people hoping to do the DTS I am planning on doing and lately there has been an influx of posts. Why? Because now is the time that God pulls through in huge crazy ways of provision, just not for me, and therein lies my bitterness.

Now let me just begin with saying I do not hold negative feelings to any of those recipients, just to God for not sharing with me. I really know that is not the case, I know God isn't forsaking me but come on you can see how I feel that way, right?

If people can go and do this program with skewed intentions, or ignoring sin, or leaving negative relationships behind why can't I go?!?!?! Again I absolutely do not think it is bad to go and do this program with any of those things in your life, God glorifies everything, and I may try and seem like I don't have those things in my life but of course I do. But here is where I get my argument: this summer has been one of big changes in my personal life, working to understand more of my negative relationships to better them, seeing big sin in my life and changing it, and taking huge leaps of faith and knowing God will catch me. None of this is because I am self motivated to better my self, nope God has been standing in front of me tapping his foot in frustration after asking me to work on these things for so long. Trust me I honestly understand my issue in this, I feel entitled and a prideful of all the "stuff" I feel like I have to go through so I get a prize right?

Any ways I am 8 days away from leaving, since it is actually Thursday now, and I am $3,000 away from paying my lecture phase fees. God I need you. I need to know what the heck I am doing right now. If I felt 100% called to this DTS, and it doesn't work out what else am I getting wrong in my life? I felt this was my next step and I don't want to be doubtful, but I feel dumb keeping a hope for so much money to come through in such a short time. Please redeem me, I want your comfort, I want to do your will. I feel lost, because right now I am planning on getting on that plane next Friday with or without $3,000. I hope that is the right thing to do, I hope I do not muck this up. God all I want to do is go and grow closer to you. To have that incredible high that you feel after a church retreat, all the time. I want my life to exude your joy. I desire nothing more than to live to love you and your people.

So God please break my heart for what breaks yours. I am letting this time become about me again, and I want to feel the urgency that you feel. I want to cry just talking about the people who do not yet know your love. I want that to happen in Australia, haha. If it's not meant to happen there I hope you surround me with your love and comfort because I just might implode.

Mission trip selfishness:  a time where you expect God to provide great miracles so you can go and explore yourself in a cool place 

PLEASE REDEEM ME